Do in-laws count as extended family?
Usually, yes. “Extended family” generally means relatives beyond the immediate household of parents and children, such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and relatives by marriage, which includes in-laws. Definitions vary between cultures and families, and some people feel very close to in-laws while others feel more distant. What matters most is how your own family defines its circle.
If you are weighing the wider picture of life with relatives close by, see our article on whether it is good to be part of an extended family.
Why in-law conflict is so common
When two people marry or partner, two sets of family habits, expectations and loyalties meet. Parents may have spent decades being the most important people in their child’s life, and adjusting to a new partner can be hard for them. A new partner, in turn, may feel they are being judged or compared.
Tension often grows from differences in:
- Expectations. How often to visit, call or share news.
- Traditions. Whose holiday customs take priority.
- Parenting views. Advice about children, discipline or feeding that feels welcome to some and intrusive to others.
- Culture and background. What counts as polite, close or respectful can vary widely.
- Boundaries. How much privacy a couple expects.
Most of the time, these are clashes of habits and hopes, not signs that anyone is a bad person.
Common marriage problems caused by in-laws
In-law tension can spill over into the couple’s relationship. Common patterns include:
- One partner feeling their spouse does not defend them.
- One partner feeling torn between their parents and their spouse.
- Disagreements about money, loans or living arrangements.
- Arguments over how much time to spend with each family.
- Criticism or comparisons that make a partner feel they are not good enough.
If this describes your home, it is worth remembering that the issue is rarely “you versus my family.” More often it is two people trying to love both their partner and their parents at once.
Signs a relationship may be unhealthy
People often search for the signs of a “toxic” mother-in-law or other relative. The word is popular, but it can be unhelpful as a label, because it can lock everyone into a fixed story. It may be more useful to look at specific behaviors and how they affect you. Patterns that may signal an unhealthy dynamic include:
- Repeated disregard for agreed boundaries.
- Frequent criticism, put-downs or public embarrassment.
- Attempts to turn your partner or children against you.
- Gossip or sharing private information after you asked for privacy.
- Guilt-tripping or silent treatment to get their way.
Seeing one or two of these occasionally does not necessarily mean a relationship is beyond repair. If the pattern is constant and distressing, it is worth discussing with your partner and possibly a counselor.
Working as a team with your partner
Many counselors suggest that the child of the in-laws, meaning your spouse, takes the lead in talking to their own parents, with your support. It can be easier for family to hear difficult messages from their own son or daughter. Some ways to be a team:
- Agree privately on what matters most to you both before raising anything with relatives.
- Listen to each other without defending your family right away.
- Avoid using “your mother” as a complaint. Try “when this happens, I feel…” Our article on married couples’ parenting challenges covers how in-laws and differing parenting views can strain a marriage.
- Check in regularly, not only after a conflict.
Setting boundaries kindly
A boundary is a statement about what you will do, not a demand about what others must do. They are often easier to keep when they are calm, specific and consistent. A few examples:
- “We’d love to see you on Sundays, but we need advance notice before dropping by.”
- “We’ve decided how we’re handling bedtime. We appreciate that you care.”
- “We’re not going to discuss our finances, but thank you for wanting to help.”
Expect some pushback at first, and try to keep warm where you can. Over time, steady boundaries often reduce friction.
Holidays, childcare and money
These three areas cause many disputes. A few suggestions:
- Holidays. Plan early, rotate, or split the day. It is common to take turns or create your own tradition. For ideas on making get-togethers smoother, see the importance of family gatherings.
- Childcare. If grandparents help, talk about expectations and rules ahead of time, and express appreciation.
- Money. Loans and gifts can carry strings, even when unintended. Discuss terms clearly. For legal or financial arrangements, consider advice from a qualified professional.
If the conflict involves a stepfamily or grown children, our guide to blending families with young adults may also help.
What about the “7 7 7 rule” for marriage?
You may see references to a “7 7 7 rule” for marriage, often described as a way of scheduling regular time together, such as a date night, a regular getaway and a longer holiday at set intervals. There is no single official version, and different sources describe it differently, so treat it as a loose idea for keeping your relationship a priority, not a rule. The principle behind it is sound: when a couple protects time together, in-law stress is easier to manage.
When safety is a concern
Disagreement is different from abuse. If any relative, including a spouse or in-law, is threatening, controlling, violent or frightening to you or your children, safety comes first. Contact your local emergency number or a domestic violence helpline in your area, and consider speaking with a trusted professional about a safety plan. In the United States, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233 (or text START to 88788); elsewhere, search for your country’s helpline.
When to get help
If in-law conflict keeps resurfacing, if it is damaging your marriage, or if you feel stuck, a licensed couples or family therapist can help you find ways to communicate. A mediator may help with specific disputes, and a family lawyer can advise on legal matters such as guardianship or inheritance. Asking for help is a sign of care for your family, not a failure.